Mixed feelings

Only few more days Bảo will head off to Japan for two long weeks. It will be the first time for him to be away from home that long. And I am here having a mixed feelings, half excited and half worried. I am excited for he will see the world on his own. He will make decisions without any coaching. He will meet and make new friends, young and old, without parents interference. He will conducting himself in front of strangers without parents observation. But will he make the right decision at every turn? Will he feel content and confident with new friends? Will others accept and love him for who he is? Yes, I am worried.

For one week duration of each, there were few times that Bảo went to camp, attend seminar, worked as internship away from home; and every time I had similar feeling. This time, the feeling is much deeper, as if it grows proportionally to the distance and duration of where he will be. The mixed feeling comes up not only with Bảo, it happened to me when Thuỵ spent a week at University of Virginia last year as well. I keep asking myself: have I done enough of raising him, teaching him right and wrong, preparing him for the world, arming him with knowledges, experiences, and skills for anything throwing at him? There are so many things to teach, to prepare, to train before time runs out. His birthday reminds me of one year closer to that day. The day that I no longer able to teach him. When his mind no longer listens to my words. The feeling of that day is closing in makes me edgy. I want to pack lot of things into one long lecture, as if it's my final lecture. Yes, I realize that he does not like to sit & listen to my long lecture; but ... you see, time is running out; so I thought.

Writing these words reminds me of a saying: "If you do not trust your child, then when can your child become trustworthy? If you do not feel confident in your child, then how can your child ever be self-confident?" I guess it's time for me to step back. It's time for me to have confidence in Bảo, for he will make the right decisions on his own. It's time for me to put my trust on him, for he will conduct himself wisely in front of his friends and public. People will accept & love him for who he is, because he has been surrounded with love and care; for he has been raised with mixed feelings: excited & worried coming from me. Yes, I trust that he will feel excited to explore & learn new things. Moreover, I am confident that he will also be careful on every step that he makes.